I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
