I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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