Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
