who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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