The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
