well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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