You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
