I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
