Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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