He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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