so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
