I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
