Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Dicks are not precious.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
