ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
