I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
