Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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