i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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