my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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