I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
