You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
