I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
