I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
