Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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