You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
