Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
