can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
