Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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