I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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