You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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