do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
