I accidentally burped into my bong.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
