I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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