I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Also, beer. Big fan.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
