i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
