Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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