Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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