now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
