Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
