if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
