i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
