yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
