All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
