They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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