On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
