In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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