get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
