Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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