a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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