I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
