Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
