in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
