im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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