it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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